My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
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My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
#gardening
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
The Friday File.
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[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.