My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice