Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue