My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
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It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Venn
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
The two types of wives
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches