Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf