my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.