My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
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Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?