My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
work smarter, not harder
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?