My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
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Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other