My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
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If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy