My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.