My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!