My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake