My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Your secret is safeish with me
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
.. do you even science?
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.