My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.