My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
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A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities