Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.