My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
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Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.