My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
You Might Also Like
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
🏙👨🏼
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week