My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
You Might Also Like
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Herpes is trending, good job people
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Never forget.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
applying for a new job
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar