My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
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Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”