Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds