My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
A ghost story
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”