My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
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About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.