My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
crochet youtube is brutal
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
is this how new cars are made??
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
