My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
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I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.