My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
my favorite genre of twitter
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.