My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
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ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
you have three unread messages
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.