Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

shit, they caught us—run!!!

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

wtf

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

👻

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

Mouse

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids