My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Proctologist = Analyst
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.