My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
You Might Also Like
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The Weeknd is back