Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*