My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy