Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spell check is for lasers.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

*aggressively waits in line*

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Lmfaoooooo

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*