My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
How do you like your Corgi?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”