My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again