Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

This guy’s not having it 😆

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?