My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.