My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
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If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
no!! no!!!!!!
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.