Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

first you must answer his riddles

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

You don’t even know

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.