My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
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I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
The most precious boy
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee