Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.