My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You Might Also Like
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
accurate
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay