My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You Might Also Like
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix