My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
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Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
No flush
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger