My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
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Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine