“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*