My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
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me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
hi why am I like this
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler