My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
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Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
scares
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating