My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
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I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?