My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?