My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services