My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I’m too immature for adultery.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog