My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger