My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.