Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Something Saturday.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.