@racheleklein

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

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@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

@Staggfilms

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

@WhiteKid4Sale

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

@capnwatsisname

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

@roxiqt

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

@fro_vo

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

@SortaBad

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

@AmberDonn

Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.

@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@LlamaInaTux

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE