Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Simple

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.