Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.