My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch