My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
This sounds bad:
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
oppen heimer style lol
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.