My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
From my Mom
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The Sun
