Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

I didn’t mean to gain weight

It happened by snaccident

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops