My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
You Might Also Like
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.