My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*