My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
White parent Vs Arab parents
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear