My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
😎 🍻
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.