@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

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@Cheeseboy22

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

@McGrumpenstein

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@pixelatedboat

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

@EndhooS

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

@5hael

How long do you have to wait between naps?

@iwearaonesie

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

@CaptainJerkwad

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

@Michael1979

Step 1: Join a group chat full of strangers
Step 2: Announce that someone in the group has been private messaging you pics of themselves in very snug speedos
Step 3: Answer no questions
Step 4: Leave

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”