Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.