My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.