Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

scenes of unspeakable carnage

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

I miss this era type of pranks😭

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.