My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit