My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
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Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
this country is so goddamn polarized
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.