My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
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I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Very good news from my accountant
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.